M is for Mourning

I haven't always been the perfect daughter! Who is? My mother and I have always had a somewhat volatile relationship. Three and a half years ago, we had a terrible falling out. I chose not allow her behavior in front of my children to continue.

I stopped speaking to her, and because of my choice, the remainder of my family chose not to speak to me. I mourned this "death" for a very long time. I wrote this poem long before I knew she was ill. Dying from brain cancer.

MOURNING CLOAK

The mourning happens
When I miss you most,
Mother.

Each longing, a small death,
Leading me through our
family crypt of dysfunction.

I break the lock, swatting cobwebs of tangled
memories from my face, spewing angry epitaphs,
etched into your granite heart.

Is your skin now paper, thin?
Have you forgotten what it is, you need to remember?
Or do you prefer age as your excuse.

The sharp shards of your slated words
impale me, one at a time.
"I. Wish."

The “Never,” scraping, flaying me,
The “had,” exposing, tearing away,
“You!”

I inhale, turn back to my life without you,
Shrug off the mourning cloak
Of my life, of you.
I lock the crypt once more.

As of today, she is home from the nursing home, Hospice caring for her.

I saw my mother two months ago, she still recognized me, her grandchildren, and my husband. She could hardly speak. But she knew us, knew we had come, that I was there.

We've visited her twice since. Her last words to me were 4, 5 , 6, 7. This is how she responded to all questions, counting. Counting down, counting seconds?

Now she is completely lost now, locked inside her head. No more words.

I love you, Mom!

Gratitude

Sometimes I have to be hit in the head with it.

Today I share it.

I am grateful to my husband for allowing me the flexibility to pursue my dreams. I’m grateful for my children who love to travel, aren’t followers, dream big, and are voracious readers.

I am especially grateful for my writer friends. They challenge my writing, expect nothing but the very best, and always tell me the truth. Even when I don’t want to hear it.

I am truly and sincerely grateful for the unexpected encounters with some of the most amazing people from around the world. Whether here in the United States, or when abroad, or via the web. These are the people who end up never knowing they have had a profound affect on me and changed me. Given me some small thing, whether a word of encouragement or a smile, that has made me a better person.

Thank you!

Two for Tuesday! April 6, 2010

All right, I may be flashing back or just having hot flashes, but I am still into the following quote by Jimi Hnedrix.

1. "When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

     The word peace has been on my mind a lot in the last few weeks.  Finding my inner peace, keeping my inner peace, even sharing it quietly or in silence, because that is what peace is all about. Not recognition, just being and giving and knowing who I am, and how I have changed. 

2.  "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abraham Lincoln
      This from a man who truly knew what it was like to be unhappy and depressed.

No bonus quote today. But I would like it if you would share these quotes with at least one person. Let me know what tehy say by leaving me a comment. Thanks!